Sigur Rós

Valtari- Sigur Rós new album makes my pulse race. It chokes me up and puts tears in my eyes. It puts me back into the excruciatingly long month of may, of my bearded friend, and his final days on this earth. There's a certain pain that resurrects with this album, and somehow, I'm sitting on the gross blue couch watching tv, smelling the crisp scent of spring and looking at pictures and praying to God to take his pain away. Only to have it transferred to anyone that knew him 30 odd days later. It placed me in a dark room, with my final goodbye. Not knowing what to say, so I didn't say much at all. I made promises I wasn't able to keep, and expressed my love and gratitude for a true friendship at least a dozen times. A pain that only emerges on nights like insomniatic nights like tonight, where my brain races and I have too much time to think. I think about how my life has changed so much in the last six months, and for once in my life it wish it hadn't. What I wouldn't give to be sitting on that gross blue couch watching South Park and being addressed as Ahn Yahn. What I wouldn't give to feel surrounded by true happiness and love for one another. What I wouldn't give for my bearded friend to have never had cancer and for him to be by my side again.

Valtari makes my heart ache.

* All my blog posts lately are really sad. This, I am aware of. But it's because I'm sad and nostalgic. All the time. Im often taken back to when my life wasnt all sadness and things were okay and i wanted to wake up in the morning. And that's okay. Sometimes I'm allowed to succumb to all this depression.

It's hard.

I've had a lot of time to myself lately. It's been good, and bad. I really shouldn't be alone right now, but I make due. Grey's anatomy keeps me company. But its also been good. Being alone has given me a few "aha!" moments. It took one last big argument and snarky texts to realize;


I'm hard to love.

I see this as, not a self demeaning cry for attention, but rather a fact. I'm a difficult person to even try to love.

I'm overemotional and reactive, I cry too much, I have a temper and I'm stubborn, my walls are up if you've hurt me and sometimes even if you haven't. I can never get what I'm thinking out the way I want it to, and I'm defensive and I swear. More often than I should. I say things I often don't mean, or they come out the wrong way, but I'm too hard headed to admit it.

I get it.

But at the end of the day, I do my best to hide my flaws and be the opposite of all these traits that essentially make me undesirable. I fail more than I succeed, but I try. And maybe right now, with every other uphill battle I'm fighting, trying is the best I can do.

2012

10 hours. There are only ten measly hours left until twenty twelve is a slew of memories. Some I wish I could go back and relive. Others I’m glad are behind me, and will never have to be repeated. There were days where my head refused to meet my pillow, and other days where it wouldn’t leave. Two thousand twelve was fun, but it was also emotional, and it was hard. It was a year that I know I’ll look back on and ask myself why it had to play out the way it did. I know there were things that happened because the Lord needed them to work out that way, but others were by my own masochistic doing.

I lost myself this year. I forgot who I was and who I was supposed to be. I lacked proper judgment more than once. Okay, I lacked proper judgment most of this year, and by the time I had the common sense to get my act together, it seemed I had dove head first into what had felt like rock bottom. (I am forever thankful for the pep talks, ultimatums and kick in the butt, Rob. I know I dont show it and I'm really back and forth, but you are one of the reasons I'm getting better. So, thank you.)  There was a lot of self-doubt and self-loathing that had occurred. I knew that no aspect of my life had any sense of eternal happiness in it. The relationships throughout the year not built on a healthy foundation, and they were fast. Holy crap were they fast. I lost sight of the big picture, this year my mind set was about what was happening right then with no discretion or sense of how this would affect my future self. I forgot what it was like to feel God’s  love and feel his presence around me. Depression surfaced and lingered. But it was easier to put a smile on my face and push everything into the back of my mind, because if I didn’t think about it, everything that had happened, in my mind, actually didn’t. It was easier that way. My friend hadn’t died, I hadn’t been dumped twice in a four month period, I wasn’t completely alone.  None of that was real if I filed it away.

Two thousand twelve wasn’t all bad. There were patches of good, and things that had gone well. I gained friendships with an awesome amount of people this year. Some of those people haven’t left my side, despite my many stupid mistakes. There are people who have altered my life for good. Like those two hooligans that got me hooked on climbing. They introduced me to something that I have become so passionate about and can see myself doing for the rest of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself from others in my life as well. I’ve been able to challenge who I am as a person and come just a couple steps closer to figuring out who I want to become. I graduated Hair School. That was one of the most draining and challenging experiences, ever. Ten hours of school a day for a year and a half straight is so brutal. But it tested me and I walked away from it with a skill I’ll have for the rest of my life, all thanks to some seriously awesome educators and fellow students.

Near the end of two thousand and twelve, the path reappeared, it’s a little far away, but I’m heading in the direction of it, and I’m getting there. It’s taking time, but its almost within reach. I’m rebuilding relationships and starting to do it right. I’ve been turning to Heavenly Father more often and in turn I feel him around me more. I still cycle through emotions. I still feel tinges of anger towards those that have hurt me, and I’m doing my best get over those. Which means some friendships are still trying to be rebuilt, but will take time. Some are relationships that I may not be ready to fix quite yet. I’m still trying to fix myself. But I’m excited for two thousand thirteen and what it has in store for me. I know a lot of this upcoming year with be focused on myself, and reverting to the kind of person I once was. Happy.

the times they are a-changin'

Thank goodness for the incoming of fall. Because with fall, comes change. Change of colors, change of temperature, change of grades, and a change of me. A change that involves really figuring out who I am. I have learned a ton about myself in the past few years, but I still constantly find out more.

Most recently I think I've learned that my inner strength still exists. I like to give off the "I don't give a fuh" attitude but in reality, I'm a stereotypical, over emotional girl. I get defensive, I get mad, I cry (more this summer than any one ever recorded in history) and I am a control freak. This last one rings truer than any of the other ones. If something happens that I can't control I scramble to find the fix it and put it back to how it was. I've come to realize that maybe, just maybe it was supposed to break and stay broken. Maybe there is something better for me, something that is never going to break.

But, for now, I'm content with not searching for that something better, and staying in the in between. In the middle of broken pieces and the indestructible. Because what I really need to do is just find myself before I can progress on to the latter.

I don't regret the broken pieces though. I still love them with my whole heart. But it's different. And they'll never be the same, no matter what I use to put them back together. And so the best thing is for those broken pieces to be okay with the fact that they don't make something anymore; just a pile of what used to be.

I think song lyrics define my life. Quotes and analogies too. And I've been listening to Stars a lot. (Highly recommended) Lyrically, they speak to me especially as of lately. One of the best lines I've heard;

"I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save."

Kind of became my mantra lately. Living and taking every opportunity to find a lesson in even the darkest corners of your life, is the only way to be survive here. Because if you want to survive, you have to grow.

So here's to changing with the seasons and loving every second of this crazy adventure we like to call life.

Yours truly,
Beks

California Dreamin'

Oh man. Last week was quite the adventure. I got the opportunity to take a vacation. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS. I should really get out more... Where did my 10 hour car ride take me? California.  It was an adventure for sure. Here's what I learned in the last week:

• The fourth of July is really just one giant friend reunion
• The minute the sun goes down on the beach it gets cold.
• I am so pee shy in the ocean...
• Sand gets everywhere. (I mean everywhere people)
• There are still places that only take cash (dang it Scoops)
• Sometimes you have no idea where you're going to sleep until 45 minutes before you arrive.
• Theres no comfortable way to be big spoon
• Dole pineapple ice cream- so good. especially with a snocone
• No one looks graceful walking across the beach.
• People crawl into bed with you in the middle of the night and you can have no idea whatsoever
• Plans don't exist. Ever.
• In-n-Out is a thousand times better in California.
• Surfers. Thats all I have on that subject.
• People ballroom dance obnoxiously on the beach. (its true unfortunately)
• The best street fights are the drunken ones that happen 5ft in front of you.
• Getting lost in downtown Los Angeles is really really scary.
• Going a week without wearing underwear starts to feel normal after a week on the beach.
• Tanning oil, my first love.
• Makeup- overrated.
• No matter how much you love your friends, a week together will cause some annoyance at each other.
• Hide the best you can, your friends can still hear you crying.
• You need a team dad.
• Vacations don't always go how you plan (like I said, plans dont work)

Most important, I learned about myself.

I learned that if something you really care about breaks, do everything you can to fix it. After that, let be, it needs to heal itself. And if its meant to come back to you, it will. You may need to put some pieces back together, and it may not be the same as it was before. But if its back, cherish it. Learn from the mistakes that were made that broke it in the first place, and change your actions. Thats the only way to keep it back together. And if it cant be put back together, remember it when it was intact, and remember it for the happy times. The times when it felt good. Its going to hurt for a long time, but never forget to learn from it. 

Sorry for the Confucius.

Anyways, heres a few pictures courtesy of Hilary and Steph.

Yours Truly,

Beks

Missing persons.

Sometimes life decides to throw curveballs.


Twice in a month.

I'd usually be okay and keep a positive outlook, but


both are losses.

On June 7th at 6:45 p.m. I lost the one person that wouldn't sugar coat anything, or beat around the bush and did it in the most comical and loving way. For example;

Me: "Yeah, we are dating, I think..."
Al: "Dont beat around the bush, he's your boyfriend."

I never questioned his advice or demands. Its just not what you do. Boy do I miss him. I miss the funny jig he would dance. I miss being called a NERD! I miss the best hugs I've ever had. I miss the times in the middle of a conversation he would say, "I just love you. I'm glad we're friends." I miss the times he would set me straight and bring me back to reality. I miss his jokes about how he used to be gay, and then we became friends and he decided to be straight. I miss the effortlessness of his friendship and how hard he tried be a friend to everyone. I miss Alex.




I dont have a date for this one. I cant really pinpoint it.
I lost a person.

A person I care very much about. The person I was completely comfortable around. The person I would give an arm and a leg and probably my entire nail polish collection (thats very important to me) for.

I miss them.

I miss their sense of adventure. I miss their carefree attitude. I miss their arms around me. I miss their eyes. I miss hearing their heartbeat. I miss the deep conversations that always somehow turned into both of us cracking up. I miss talking about absolutely nothing. I miss peanut butter m&m's. I miss that face. I miss the feeling that I was no longer walking this path alone. I had a companion to walk with me and help me over bumps and help pick me back up. I miss failed dinners and gloopy alfredo. I miss kings cup. I miss documentaries. I miss rapping. I miss Skype. I miss crooked smiles. I miss my melting heart whenever it emerged. I miss comparing skin tones. I miss the smell of Aveda on someone else. I miss bare feet. I miss them.


Missing can only get me so far unfortunately. I wish I didn't have to. I wish that feeling didn't exist. I wish things always stayed the same if you were happy.

Then again, wishing can also only get me so far.

I'm sorry Alex, I think I broke my promise.

Boy, am I ready for happy things.

Yours Truly,
Beks

Scruffy beards and Radiohead

Once upon a time (that time being 3 months ago) I met a tall man with a big scruffy beard and a puffy jacket. Within the first five minutes of our meeting I was captivated. He was unlike an person I had ever met. Alex didnt care what others thought of him, and he wasnt afraid to be honest with anyone. Instantly I knew we would be friends for a long time.

Turns out I was correct, in a way. I started spending more and more time with him and all his friends. (I also started dating his sexy best friend. :)) So I had the privilege of getting to know Alex rather well. I knew that he had terminal cancer, but it never seemed like it. At least to me. We went climbing, hiking and to me, he was normal. The cancer was just something we joked about. It never seemed like a reality. Now it's becoming very real and I don't know how to react. My heart hurts and I don't want to lose such an incredible friend. I have had many long talks with him and it amazes me how accepting he is and how strong he's maintained for at least as long as I've known him.


So thank you Alex, for being my excusive boyfriend just in case anyone ever tried to mess, and for sharing the apple beer ;) I'm so blessed to have known you for even just a short period of time. I'm going to miss you friend.

Yours truly,
Breggle