2012

10 hours. There are only ten measly hours left until twenty twelve is a slew of memories. Some I wish I could go back and relive. Others I’m glad are behind me, and will never have to be repeated. There were days where my head refused to meet my pillow, and other days where it wouldn’t leave. Two thousand twelve was fun, but it was also emotional, and it was hard. It was a year that I know I’ll look back on and ask myself why it had to play out the way it did. I know there were things that happened because the Lord needed them to work out that way, but others were by my own masochistic doing.

I lost myself this year. I forgot who I was and who I was supposed to be. I lacked proper judgment more than once. Okay, I lacked proper judgment most of this year, and by the time I had the common sense to get my act together, it seemed I had dove head first into what had felt like rock bottom. (I am forever thankful for the pep talks, ultimatums and kick in the butt, Rob. I know I dont show it and I'm really back and forth, but you are one of the reasons I'm getting better. So, thank you.)  There was a lot of self-doubt and self-loathing that had occurred. I knew that no aspect of my life had any sense of eternal happiness in it. The relationships throughout the year not built on a healthy foundation, and they were fast. Holy crap were they fast. I lost sight of the big picture, this year my mind set was about what was happening right then with no discretion or sense of how this would affect my future self. I forgot what it was like to feel God’s  love and feel his presence around me. Depression surfaced and lingered. But it was easier to put a smile on my face and push everything into the back of my mind, because if I didn’t think about it, everything that had happened, in my mind, actually didn’t. It was easier that way. My friend hadn’t died, I hadn’t been dumped twice in a four month period, I wasn’t completely alone.  None of that was real if I filed it away.

Two thousand twelve wasn’t all bad. There were patches of good, and things that had gone well. I gained friendships with an awesome amount of people this year. Some of those people haven’t left my side, despite my many stupid mistakes. There are people who have altered my life for good. Like those two hooligans that got me hooked on climbing. They introduced me to something that I have become so passionate about and can see myself doing for the rest of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself from others in my life as well. I’ve been able to challenge who I am as a person and come just a couple steps closer to figuring out who I want to become. I graduated Hair School. That was one of the most draining and challenging experiences, ever. Ten hours of school a day for a year and a half straight is so brutal. But it tested me and I walked away from it with a skill I’ll have for the rest of my life, all thanks to some seriously awesome educators and fellow students.

Near the end of two thousand and twelve, the path reappeared, it’s a little far away, but I’m heading in the direction of it, and I’m getting there. It’s taking time, but its almost within reach. I’m rebuilding relationships and starting to do it right. I’ve been turning to Heavenly Father more often and in turn I feel him around me more. I still cycle through emotions. I still feel tinges of anger towards those that have hurt me, and I’m doing my best get over those. Which means some friendships are still trying to be rebuilt, but will take time. Some are relationships that I may not be ready to fix quite yet. I’m still trying to fix myself. But I’m excited for two thousand thirteen and what it has in store for me. I know a lot of this upcoming year with be focused on myself, and reverting to the kind of person I once was. Happy.