It's hard.

I've had a lot of time to myself lately. It's been good, and bad. I really shouldn't be alone right now, but I make due. Grey's anatomy keeps me company. But its also been good. Being alone has given me a few "aha!" moments. It took one last big argument and snarky texts to realize;


I'm hard to love.

I see this as, not a self demeaning cry for attention, but rather a fact. I'm a difficult person to even try to love.

I'm overemotional and reactive, I cry too much, I have a temper and I'm stubborn, my walls are up if you've hurt me and sometimes even if you haven't. I can never get what I'm thinking out the way I want it to, and I'm defensive and I swear. More often than I should. I say things I often don't mean, or they come out the wrong way, but I'm too hard headed to admit it.

I get it.

But at the end of the day, I do my best to hide my flaws and be the opposite of all these traits that essentially make me undesirable. I fail more than I succeed, but I try. And maybe right now, with every other uphill battle I'm fighting, trying is the best I can do.