10 hours. There are only ten measly
hours left until twenty twelve is a slew of memories. Some I wish I could go
back and relive. Others I’m glad are behind me, and will never have to be
repeated. There were days where my head refused to meet my pillow, and other
days where it wouldn’t leave. Two thousand twelve was fun, but it was also
emotional, and it was hard. It was a year that I know I’ll look back on and ask
myself why it had to play out the way it did. I know there were things that
happened because the Lord needed them to work out that way, but others were by
my own masochistic doing.
I lost myself this year. I forgot
who I was and who I was supposed to be. I lacked proper judgment more than
once. Okay, I lacked proper judgment most of this year, and by the time I had
the common sense to get my act together, it seemed I had dove head first into
what had felt like rock bottom. (I am forever thankful for the pep talks,
ultimatums and kick in the butt, Rob. I know I dont show it and I'm really back and forth, but you are one of the reasons I'm getting better. So, thank you.)
There was a lot of self-doubt and self-loathing that had occurred. I
knew that no aspect of my life had any sense of eternal happiness in it. The
relationships throughout the year not built on a healthy foundation, and they
were fast. Holy crap were they fast. I lost sight of the big picture, this year
my mind set was about what was happening right then with no discretion or sense
of how this would affect my future self. I forgot what it was like to feel
God’s love and feel his presence around
me. Depression surfaced and lingered. But it
was easier to put a smile on my face and push everything into the back of my
mind, because if I didn’t think about it, everything that had happened, in my
mind, actually didn’t. It was easier that way. My friend hadn’t died, I hadn’t
been dumped twice in a four month period, I wasn’t completely alone. None of that was real if I filed it away.
Two thousand twelve wasn’t all bad.
There were patches of good, and things that had gone well. I gained friendships
with an awesome amount of people this year. Some of those people haven’t left
my side, despite my many stupid mistakes. There are people who have altered my
life for good. Like those two hooligans that got me hooked on climbing. They
introduced me to something that I have become so passionate about and can see
myself doing for the rest of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself from
others in my life as well. I’ve been able to challenge who I am as a person and
come just a couple steps closer to figuring out who I want to become. I
graduated Hair School. That was one of the most draining and challenging
experiences, ever. Ten hours of school a day for a year and a half straight is
so brutal. But it tested me and I walked away from it with a skill I’ll have
for the rest of my life, all thanks to some seriously awesome educators and fellow
students.
Near the end of two thousand and
twelve, the path reappeared, it’s a little far away, but I’m heading in the
direction of it, and I’m getting there. It’s taking time, but its almost within
reach. I’m rebuilding relationships and starting to do it right. I’ve been
turning to Heavenly Father more often and in turn I feel him around me more. I
still cycle through emotions. I still feel tinges of anger towards those that
have hurt me, and I’m doing my best get over those. Which means some
friendships are still trying to be rebuilt, but will take time. Some are
relationships that I may not be ready to fix quite yet. I’m still trying to fix
myself. But I’m excited for two thousand thirteen and what it has in store for
me. I know a lot of this upcoming year with be focused on myself, and reverting
to the kind of person I once was. Happy.
